Friday, May 17, 2013

Chris and the Cats

Hello, my name is Chris and this is my guest blog post.

I would like to offer the followers of this blog the opportunity to get an unbiased glimpse into my mind, as well as the opportunity to read a post on this blog that is, for once, not about a cross eyed cat or getting engaged. Enjoy. 

Alright I already lied. This will be a blog post about a cross eyed cat. Truth be told I just got done with law school finals last Thursday (praise be to Jesus), and so I decided to drive to Kentucky and spend some time with Jaime, before I had to start summer classes (not so praise be to Jesus). In my mind I was envisioning a relaxing week, where I would sleep in until 11am and catch up on my netflix shows, while Jaime was a work. Sounds nice huh? 

Fortunately for me Jaime showed me the errors of my ways upon my arrival, when she immediately asked demanded that I write every blog post for the next week, since I was in town and "had nothing else to do." (BTW I would not call watching White Collar and eating cereal nothing). But having previously received a B- in mediation, I was able to expertly negotiate Jaime down to one (1) guest blog post, but only on the condition that the topic of my guest post be; (a) "What I think Married Life Will Be Like", or (b) "5 things I Have Learned from Jaime's Cats". 

An entire semesters worth of legal mediation class lectures boiled down into one picture: 

Needless to say I quickly chose option B. Here it goes.

1. People will love you even if you are a crossed eyed cat who swallows nerf darts.
         In case my reference is unclear to some followers, I'm referring to Jaime's cat Toby. See Toby is severely cross eyed and extremely dumb, a combination of traits that leads directly to my next statement about Toby, he is the worst.  But regardless of how I feel about Toby, when Toby ate a Nerf dart last fall causing him to have intestinal problems, Jaime happily paid for Toby's vet bill and loved him nonetheless. I'm still not 100 percent  sure Jaime would be as charitable towards me if I swallowed a nerf dart. 

Its amazing how much intestinal blockage one of these can cause in a cat.

2. If you really want to creep people out, stare unblinkingly into their eyes until they break eye contact. 
        I learned this lesson from Jaime's other cat, Tillie, who if she was a person, would definitely be mistaken as a daily crystal meth user and a sociopath. I love Tillie solely for this reason. See while Toby's thing is to be cross eyed, and pretty much useless in general, Tillie's thing is to stare. Seriously Tillie just stares. Without blinking. At you. 
One of the most unnerving feelings I have ever had, was the day after we got Tillie and I woke up to Tillie sitting on the nightstand just staring at me, without blinking. It felt like either an angel or a demon (I can never decide which one Tillie is ) was staring through my soul, judging me. That entire day I really thought I was going to die because I felt like my soul had already been judged that morning. 

3. Sleep all day, Party all night. 

Whenever I wake up to this I always imagine creepy little voices saying "We've been waiting for you." Awesome way to start your day off.
      During my school breaks I usually spend a couple weeks with Jaime, where I have the distinct pleasure of spending all day every day, with her cats while she is at work. You many not know this but your cat leads a double life while you are away from home. They do many things while you are gone, but 98% of their day is spend sleeping in various locations and licking each others buttholes.

On any given day this is what your cat looks like when you leave. PS the cat is not dead, its only sleeping. Seriously.
During finals last year, I decided to follow the cat's example and cap nap during the day, while doing my serious studying at night. Worked like a charm. See while the law library is usually packed during the day with other law students and undergrads, at night the library is completely empty and I can actually concentrate and get some studying done without undergrads coming up to me and asking "How do you like law school? Is it easy?" 

4. Its the simple things in life that make the difference.
      Sometimes I think cats have it all figured out. They get to sleep all day, eat when they want to and achieve the most amount of happiness from stupid shit, like being petted. Seriously have you ever noticed cats never seem to be sad or upset, only extremely happy whenever you pet them or walk through the door? Believe me I have tried my hardest to make Toby sad and upset  (Usually by holding him up to a mirror and screaming "Look how stupid you are!!"). Regardless of my attempts, Toby still does not get upset and now only purrs like a ruhtard when I hold him in front of the mirror. I decided to follow the example of Toby and now when people are upset with me and start to yell, I just smile and purr. Just kidding I don't purr. 

5. If you can do a neat trick when company comes over, Jaime will be happy with you.

   During winter break last year, Jaime did not have cable and I had an abundance of free time, so I trained Tillie to retrieve nerf darts (I know I am a man of many talents). Despite Tillies newfound ability to retrieve nerf darts directly leading to the events of paragraph 1, her new ability also became the premier source of entertainment for Jaime's houseguests. Seriously, Tillie and I have regaled guests for hours with Tillie's feats of physical prowess  while perfectly good hard liquor and board games sat forgotten. I began to notice that after every time Tillie entertained houseguests, Jaime would not get as mad at Tillie for running around all night while Jaime was trying to sleep. Following Tillie's example I began to perform my own trick for Jaime's houseguests, which generally consists of me regaling houseguests with amazing feats of sarcastic wit and indispensable potty humor. But for some reason, Jaime still gets just as mad at me regardless of my attempts to entertain house guests. 

Well thats my best shot at my second guest blog post. I hope my guest post didn't cause Jaime to lose any followers...because if it did I'm told that I have to sleep on the porch, so please don't unfollow the blog. 

Let Them Eat Cake

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  1. baha. ohhh this makes me laugh!

  2. hahaha this is wonderful! Definitely helped me get thru the day!

  3. Hillarious! Cats are crazy...I'm glad Chris understands! :)